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| so i was watching Naruto and they keep bringing up the idea of reaching your dreams through hard work... and it hit me for a bit.. because... it kinda give false hope to some people... i feel it's kinda like romanticizing the idea... i mean i'm all for working toward your goals and what you want... but sometimes you can never get that goal you're reaching for... that one slice of heaven that is being held in front of you, yet u know that you can never be high enough to grab it... i mean sometimes... i feel like i work so hard... try so hard... beat myself over the head... put my whole heart into it... and i still come up short... is there something wrong w/ my dream, my goal? is it truly unattainable? so many factors to consider as well... i guess what i'm trying to say is that maybe it's not meant for you to reach... but the process of trying to get there helps you grow maybe? or maybe it allows for you to open your mind up to other options... maybe other dreams that have taken a back seat to everything...
so what do you do? move on? continue? most likely my own decision... but what i do know is that no matter how shitty you feel and how much you hurt at this moment... it'll go away, and you'll probably wonder why it even bothered you in the first place... true one door closing also mean one door opening because i believe living toward a goal is what makes us human to begin with... the ability to choose your own i guess... existence
but what the hell... even with that understanding, times are still shitty and you feeling that way can be hard to cope with... but hey maybe u'll get what u want... maybe u'll end up where u wanna be if you just keep working... or that could all be bullshit... i for one am putting my vote into bullshit due to past experiences... life never seems to play fair...
so this weekend? it was a good weekend... had fun during most of it... except for a couple of times before i go to bed and what not... but overall good times...
i went to the MIND institute and played w/ kids and got to know their names and it was cool cuz they knew mine and i felt like i was doing something truly helpful... and it felt different from other volunteer service i've done before because it was just for me... something I wanted to do.. MY own special project... not something i have to go to sign up for on a website because of hour i needed to complete...
it felt really good... like i was needed somehow... i loved every second of it... reminded me of when i used to volunteer at the tenderloin community center in SF... those kids were great... it was like they don't have the greatest life, but they live like they have the best circumstance in the world... they know how to have fun... and live for a purpose it seems, even though they're too young to know what it is... and i wonder how come i'm rambling on about things that maybe don't seem important in the long run.. and if they're happy.... why can't I be? why can't I MAKE myself happy since my life isn't exactly bad by any means... it's like in that movie Notting Hill where they try to say what's the worst part of their lives for the last piece of cookie.. and then when everything seems so sad, they laugh and say.. "nice try" as if to say "your problems are just a trickle, while for me.. the dam's about to burst.."
on the idea of being needed... it's such a great feeling... like an empty spot if being filled when u feel u are needed by someone else... but that's just me... i dun like talking about this much...
today i watched the davis/stanford ball game, and it was really fun... most of the game was close and it was sooo fun... i like watching them play... i really wanna join the aggie pack, because they seem to have the most fun in games... i hate being the only one in my part of the stands cheering for davis when everyone doesn't really care or is not into it as much as people... say the aggie pack are... but they get to cheer really loud and what not... and it reminds me of highschool... when i would cheer for my friends playing and all that.. it was cool... very fun... i wanna go to all their games now too...
u guys remember that music video.. that asian one... where the dude gives his girl his eyes so she can see and all that... my roommate is watching it now...  like i could not feel any worse right now... even now i still think that guy is freakin lucky to find someone he would give up something for... fuck... but whatever.. i'm gonna go work on my essay cuz school sucks and i hate it... fuck!!...
oh.. and did i mention... FUCK!!!!! | | |
| RENT was sooo good... it was wayyy better than Harry Potter... although
i liked them both... it has such good ways of living life... since life
can sometimes be hard to cope with... such a good movie... everyone
watch it... A+++++++++
so watching the OC right now... feeling a little lost, but i think i
can understand what is going on... damn how can so much drama happen
between a small group of people within one small town... but it makes
for such great television... haha
finals are coming soon and i gotta study... but i really wanna play
since it's my last quarter as a UCD student... i wanna play this
weekend really badly... i dunno... i wanna relax and have fun w/o
thinking about anything or anyone and.... i dunno feel better about my
situation than anything else...
i got my IPOD fixed!!!! i'm soo happy... i have something to do while i
walk from class to class... i wish i had a bike cuz they're so useful,
but damn the person who took it... music is really food for the soul...
it seems like it can do anything... it's weird... it can cause a
plethora of emotions in just one measure... it's crazy... but it's great
man 80's and early 90's pop is dope... i "found" this best of 80's and
90's cd in my car... not that i keep it in there or anything... but cuz
u know... i just found it... it's great stuff... can u imagine a
22 year old male singing at the top of his lungs to "hold on" by wilson
philips with the window open? not to say
that i was the one being describe by any means... just asking u to
picture it... haha
now on to slow jams... do u ever really want to listen to slow jams to
feel happy? or listen to something to make ur whole very being
melt? i don't even know what that means, but damn... it's like a
guilty pleasure... seriously.... u feel sad, yet feel sooo i dunno i
guess loving? or however u wanna describe it... but all i know is that
sometimes i can bring a smile to ur face because it's a feeling that we
don't mind having... if any of that makes sense
talking about guilty pleasures.... sitting down eating rich and creamy
breyers low fat strawberry ice cream with freshly baked cookies and
raisinets while watching romantic comedies or romantic dramas sounds
kinda sad, but it feeeeeeels so good!!! not that i would know or
anything... i've... just been told... keke... but hey i think guys who
enjoy doing that are pretty sensitive... but that's just my opinion and
i could be wrong... but not likely... 
i hate the rain.... i hate walking in the rain... i hate getting wet
while walking in the rain... i hate not having an umbrella while wet
and walking in the rain... i hate having to borrow a girly
looking green polkadot umbrella cuz you don't have an umbrella while
walking wet in the rain.... again... did not happen to me, just
something i was told about... but now that i'm dry and sitting here all
warm and cozy, i like the sound of the rain hitting my window... kinda
soothing... and people who don't like hearing the rain hit the window
is just weeeeeeeird (u know who u are  )
but not saying being weird is a bad thing... u make life more fun...
and more interesting... and makes my life better day by day... and make
me smile more than i thought i could smile... and make my stummy all
squirmy when i see u... and and and... u make me happy lots!!!! and i
kinda wish that the pillow i hug at night is really you... 
sorry that was off topic... so that is my day in a nutshell... oh...
and the new DC kicks ass... and my sister kicks ass more cuz she swipes
me in and let's me store my shit at her place and let's me take
advantage of the fact that she lives on campus haha... but since i'm
older... she HAS to listen to me...
people who come to visit just to take our eggs are kinda funny...
VIVA LA VIE BOHEME!!!!!!
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| so almost a year has gone by... 3 seasons anyway... and it's crazy how things change
i'm gonna be done in 2 weeks w/ UC Davis.. and it kinda scares me because the only thing i knew how to do was go to school.
but that's gonna be an exciting part of life i guess...
done lots of stuff since march... feelings changed, attitudes changed, dreams changed
figured shit out, and moved on from things, gotten more of myself realized since last year
and it feels good to understand what i am capable of and what makes me happy.. another year
i still haven't watched RENT, and i wanna watch it tonite, but i would
like some people to go watch it with... been trying to keep myself busy
because things can get overwhelming toward the end... harry potter was
awesome...
cheese and crackers can make an excellent snack... i really need to
level up my cooking skill... it's been degrading since i haven't been
using it...
anyway... i thought that writing on xanga would be easier, but it seems too impersonal to me... well whatever... later all
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| why do i start feeling nervous whenever she's around? everytimes
she's there i feel like i'm losing my game cuz i don't know what to do,
or what should i do... for one thing i know is that i end up not being
me... i always want to do something to impress her or to pretend
to act like it's not bothering me, but she's all i can think about...
just last nite i saw her again after not seeing her for a long time,
and damn did i miss seeing her. i keep telling myself that it
doesn't matter to me anymore and that i don't care, but i miss her
being there for me... miss being able to call her w/o it being weird...
miss being able to just say what's on my mind without worrying about
what she thinks... miss being able to spend time with her...
i've made many mistakes, but i regret this one that i made. i
hurt someone who just cared about me, a good friend. and when
that person was out of my life for a while i just desperately wanted
her there again. i know what i did was messed up and i've
apologized, but the forgiveness didn't come easy...
i just wish that i could show that what i did doesn't show who i really
am, and maybe if it was, it's not anymore. i feel like i've
calmed down a lot and relaxed more and i know what i did that hurt so
much, and i know it's not something i want to do again. damn, i
feel like i would do anything for this person, but that's just pushing
it...
blah blah blah blah blah...
| | |
| so i've chilling right now in front of the tv not really looking at it cuz there's nothing interesting in it anyway...
it's so weird how i miss my family even tho i hate driving back home.. maybe it's the drive i hate... NOT the coming home part.
i wanted to spend time w/ my sister this weekend but she's always
spending time w/ her boyfriend... it's so funny how we always used to
fight when we were younger... and could have sworn i hated her... but
now... i tell her everything... and i like hanging out w/ her dorky
butt... so when i come home i wanna just chill and watch a movie and
hang out or go shopping, but she's too busy... i guess it's what i get
for doing the same thing to her when i had a girlfriend... 
so it's still weird talking to my parents about anything... we never
really had that talking relationship... i mean i've tried, but it
always feels weird... i guess it's cuz sometimes the problems i have
are kinda silly and can be solved easily and just makes me look weak...
and i HATE looking weak... they never used to ask what was going on w/
me, so now i guess i'm just not used to it, but i don't put up a wall
right away, i just answer the questions i want to ask or just change
the subject... they take the hint really well, although they still like
to poke around... very persistent people
i have a rash under my nose cuz of all the tissues i've been using... i
knew i should have spend the extra dollar for the kleenex w/ lotion...
now my nose is hella red... i hate being sick... i can't sleep for
anything, so i'm always tired during the day. why can't i feel
sick during the day and feel fine during the night... it always bothers
me when i'm SUPPOSED to be resting... boo sickness... 
so my friend told me to take this personality test online, but in order
to take it, i had to register for this website called
okcupid.com. of course i wasn't paying attention to the name of
the website and i just signed up for it... after i got my results... i
realized it was an online dating service... and it said that
based on my personality they would set up matches... so i did this and
i looked at all the 100% matches.. and there were these people who i
don't think would be my proper "match". there were only a couple
that looked like they would be cool, but not really... i thought it was
a pretty funny website... so i filled out a profile and whatnot... and
i got people who messaged me... wow... there are some weeeeeird
people out there... haha
okay... my brain is out of juice so i'm gonna hit the sack... nite all
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